A Week of Goodbyes

I have been sitting on this post for a week now...not really knowing how to say what was in my heart.  Or maybe I am too tired to find the right words.

My first goodbye was on Wednesday (nearly two weeks ago) when Sam moved into the dorms.  I knew that I would miss having her at home, but I didn't realize how much I would worry about her.  She has met lots of new people, and is enjoying her classes so far.  Now we enter that transition where she likes me more than she did before because she suddenly starts appreciating all that I've tried to do for her...right??  I keep thinking I can't go to bed each night because I haven't heard Sam come home yet, and then I remember that she doesn't live here anymore!

All the important things...fit snugly in the back of the car.

Saying goodbye to Sam was intensified by the fact that she and I were both saying goodbye to Eleanor simultaneously.  Goodbyes are never easy, no matter how prepared we think we are for them.  Grandma passed away (having never woken up from her sleep the week before) four days after Sam moved out.

At the luncheon after Eleanor's funeral service last weekend, we had a microphone up front for people to share stories and memories and things they had learned from her.  She wanted it to be a party.  She wanted people to be honest.  She wanted people to speak of the gospel and their testimonies.  We laughed and our hearts were touched by some of the stories that people shared.

With so many things I could say about Eleanor, I couldn't think of any ONE thing that captured who she was and all the things I had learned from and loved about her.  I was afraid that I'd let her down if I didn't share something eloquent, but when I finally stood up, I felt like my comments were babbling and insignificant.  I loved to play with her and enjoyed that we were friends.  I loved to laugh with her.  My happiest memories at the end were when I could make her laugh.  I am grateful for our fun relationship and feel privileged that I got to care for her so much during her final years.

Ian went up twice and shared that Grandma was fun.  Do you think he realizes how much she adored him?  Even though she sometimes got his name wrong the last few years, she lit up every time he walked in the room, saying things like, "Did you ever see such a happy boy?"  Maybe that's why he's so sweet...she praised him so much that he became what she said he was.

I felt emotionally and physically unsettled after our whirlwind trip to her funeral and such a long couple of weeks leading up to it.  I kept wondering how I could feel so happy when I should be mourning.  Am I going to crash later?  Or did we do our grieving long ago when Alzheimer's really took her away?  Perhaps it was hard to say "goodbye" at her funeral because we felt like we had been gradually saying goodbye for so long.

We have been noticing a lot of beautiful weather this past week.  Each time, we tell each other that Grandma sent that amazing sunset or those beautiful clouds or that rainbow.  (She used to call us on the phone and tell us to look out our window at the sunset.)  We know she is running around catching up with all her friends and family on the other side, but we also feel like she is looking down on us and smiling.

On the way back home Saturday night

And maybe that is the true reason that we don't feel overwhelmingly sad...because --just like Sam living somewhere else -- Eleanor really isn't gone, she's just away.  And if we do our best while living in this little blip of time called mortality, we can be reunited with her again, just like she is now reuniting with those who have already passed on.  We will still miss her while we are apart, but the hope of seeing her again will help to keep us focused on the things that matter most.  And that's probably why we feel like smiling.

Eleanor's 9 Main Men.  How lucky we are to have families!